The Two Gentlemen of Quantico
by life.in.outer.space
Summary: Written for Dealer's Choice Challenge. Reid didn't plan on a makeover that week. Rossi didn't plan on seeing Gone With the Wind, well, ever. Neither profiler get what they planned one week in August. No relation to the Shakespeare play.
1. Monday, Part 1

**-The Two Gentlemen of Quantico-**

The members of the BAU all had their ways of coping with the horrors they encounters while on the job. Some compartmentalize, convince themselves that the mangled, tortured bodies they see are as though they are on a screen - not real, and therefore not as horrible as they must seem. Some surround themselves with a wall, make the area in which they work a warmer place, to remind themselves that not all the world is as rotten as it sometimes seems on half a dozen flashing moniters displaying pictures that they wish didn't exist. Some simply temper their hearts; make them strong, so that they can focus on catching the monsters that do these things to innocent victims.

However, regardless of how they can protect themselves from what they see, their defences, their carefully built walls, their strength all crumbles down when they see one awful horrible sight.

J.J. walked into the bullpen, a horrified expression on her face. "Guys," she said, brows furrowing, "We've got a situation."

"You don't mean-" started Garcia, a stricken expression flitting across her face.

"Yes." Finished Hotch grimly, a serious look on his face. "We've got paperwork to complete."

There was a moment of appalled silence before Reid popped up over top of the edge of his cubicle. Surveying the aghast expressions of his teammates' faces, his face dropped. "This is a really bad one, isn't it. Where are we off to?"

Rossi snorted. "We're not going anywhere, Reid. It's paperwork time."

Garcia and Morgan flinched at the word.

Baffled, Reid quickly reassured the team. "Oh, come on guys. It won't be that bad. After all, we all do our paperwork after a case is complete, so we only have the annual forms… to…" he trailed off sheepishly at the looks of disbelief on his co-workers faces. He coughed delicately. "You guys… _don't_ do your paperwork after every case, do you."

Morgan groaned. "Oh man, this is going to suck."

* * *

"One more… signature… and…" Reid signed his name with a slight flourish, then picked up the last sheet of his paperwork and grinned at it. "I'm done." He silently opened the drawer of his desk amid grumbles of "Hey Prentiss, do you remember anything about the Viper?" and "Okay, how many times have team members gotten injured this year?" before reverently picking up Faust and beginning to read.

He was not long into his book when he heard footsteps behind him. There was a cough, and then: "Hey, kid, done your paperwork already?" Reid sighed before marking his page in his book and turning around to face Morgan.

"Yes, Morgan. I'm done all of my paper work." At this, Morgan grinned. "Good job, kid. So, how about giving me a hand on mine?" Reid shook his head slowly.

"You know I'm not allowed to, right?"

"Aw, come on, man! It can be just between us two."

"No, Morgan. You'll have to do it yourself."

"Man, you suck." whined Morgan, before skulking off back to his desk with an expression akin to that of a recently kicked puppy.

Reid sighed and picked up his book yet again, a small grin creeping its way onto his face.

Reid, long since bored with even his favourite book, had been amusing himself in other ways. At first, he had tried translating the Pledge of Allegiance into Arabic, Latin and Mandarin Chinese, but that took him little over 10 minutes. He had tried reading his book backwards. He had even looked at some of the websites written down for him to check out on cheery pink paper by Garcia, but they all seemed pointless and inane to him. At the moment he was staring at the clock on his desk, watching the blinking numbers shift from 3:59 to 4:00, signalling his imminent departure. He gathered the things he was going to take with him (he had debated taking the book, but eventually decided that he'd just read something else at home), grabbed his stapled and crease free paperwork and headed to Hotch's office to pass off the fruits of his day's labour to his austere boss. When the young doctor reached the door of his boss' office, it was to see the older man hurriedly gathering some papers together while listening to someone on the phone who, judging by the expression on his face, was very angry with the Unit Chief. All of this Reid saw when Hotch looked up at the younger agent's apprehensive knock. Hotch held up one finger and returned his attention to whomever he was talking to on the phone.

"Yes…of course…I'll be right there…of course. Yes ma'am. Five minutes. Understood." Hotch hung up the phone, looking agitated to the degree that only one person could claim responsibility for.

"Strauss?" asked Reid. He received only a grim nod in response. The younger agent winced.

"Rough way to end the day. Sorry." Reid offered his paperwork to Hotch. "Well, here's my paperwork, I'm heading out." Reid suddenly realized that Hotch was looking at him with an intensity that, while normal for the Unit Chief, was unusual in its look of alarm.

"End the day? Heading out?" asked Hotch, sounding as panicked as he looked. "What time is it, Reid!" The gangly agent took a small step backwards. This side of Hotch was shockingly scary.

"Uh…f-4:07," he stammered in response. Hotch's look of alarm grew at the younger agent's declaration. His eyes were darting around the room, which told Reid he was thinking, and very hard. All of a sudden, the older agent straightened up.

"Reid!" he exclaimed, and the doctor noted that some of the panic in his voice had receded. "I need to you to something for me. Can you please pick up Jack from his day camp for me? I have -" Hotch checked his watch, "- two minutes to get to Strauss' office, and his camp ended half an hour ago. Please Reid."

Normally, Reid would never have even considered picking up a young child from a day camp, even if it was Jack, who knew him and was therefore immune to the Reid effect. However, given the desperation in his boss' voice and the thought of the consequences if he ignored Strauss' summons swayed him. The little voice inside him said that he would regret this later, but he ignored it. Really, what was so hard about picking up a kid from a day camp?

"Okay," he said, "I'll do it. Where's the camp?" Hotch breathed an audible sigh of relief.

"Millard Fillmore Elementary in D.C. Reid, thank you. So much. I'll get him from your place later." And on that note, Hotch finished gathering his papers and hurried out of his office, almost running into Rossi on his way out, who opened his mouth to speak before Hotch interrupted him.

"Your vacation starts tomorrow. I know Rossi." The Unit Chief was almost out the doors of the bullpen when Rossi turned to Reid.

"Strauss." Reid answered Rossi's unspoken question, and the older profiler nodded in understanding.

"Brave, brave man."

* * *

Twenty five minutes and several faulty MapQuest directions later, Reid pulled into the parking lot of the school where Jack's camp was being held. He glanced at the clock. 4:32. Whoever was watching Jack would not be pleased with his lateness. Preparing himself, Reid took a deep breath then left the relative safety of his car to enter the school. Going in through the front door, he immediately saw the signs pointing him to the gym where the camp spent most of the time. The profiler entered through the gym's double doors to see Jack playing on some mats, and an angry-looking redheaded woman whose attention had turned from Jack to Reid when the agent walked in the room. Jack looked up.

"Uncle Spencer? Where's daddy?"

Reid mentally winced. He hadn't thought of how he was going to tell Jack that his father was going to be late. Seeing Reid's look, Jack sighed.

"Let me guess. He got stuck at work, but he's really sorry and he loves me lots and he'll pick me up later?" Reid gave the boy a sad smile.

"You got it."

Jack got up and went to grab his bag when there came an emphatic clearing of the throat from near the basketball hoop. Reid turned to see the redheaded woman walking in his direction. He sent up a small prayer that she wasn't still mad.

"Well, hello there. And who are you?" she purred.

Startled, Reid was forced to remind himself that he was a federal agent who chased down vicious serial killers every other week. He shouldn't be scared by a woman who seemed to be interested in him…but the fact remained that he was. It was with great restraint that he didn't take a step back and instead forced out a reply.

"S-Spencer Reid. I work with Jack's father."

"Mhm." The angry face was back. "So I gathered. But, just where is Jack's father?" Reid gulped. This was worse than that time he and Hotch had been trapped in with that crazy serial killer they were trying to interview.

"Um, he's, er, he was called in for a meeting. Last minute."

"Well, you seem…capable…of taking care of Jack until his father can pick him up." The seductive voice was back. Reid was starting to wonder if mood swings like that were common for this woman, and if they were, whether it was safe for her to be working with children every day of the week.

"Um, thank you?"

"Well, if you'll just sign this sheet over here, please. We need you to sign that you've picked Jack up."

"Oh, er…sure."

Reid followed the woman over to a table by the doors. While they walked there he noticed her eyes drifting up and down his body. His faint sense of apprehension was only growing stronger. When they arrived at the table, the woman grabbed Reid's upper arm and pulled herself close to him.

"Mm. I thought you were just a scrawny kid, but -" she ran a hand up and down his chest "- you've got some good muscle under those clothes, Mr. Reid." Reid felt his brain slowly shutting down and started panicking.

"D-Dr. Reid. My name's, uh, Dr. Reid, actually. Or Agent Reid. Which-Whichever you prefer." Reid thought he saw something predatory in the woman's smile and gulped again.

"Well, my name -" she petted his chest again "- is Natalie, Dr. Reid." Without taking her eyes (and their undisguised lust) from his face, she reached back and grabbed some paper from the table.

"Now, if you'll just sign here, you can take Jack. Alright?"

Once again, Reid was slightly flabbergasted at the instant mood change, but given his (still declining) level of rational thought, he paid little attention and just signed the paper in front of him. When he looked up at the woman - Natalie, he self-corrected - the predatory smile was back.

"Well, we'll be seeing you tomorrow at 8:00, Dr. Reid."

"Uh, oh, no, I'm not dropping Jack off in the morning…"

"No, but you are helping at the camp. Thank you so much for volunteering your time and signing this binding legal contract to help supervise and run activities for the rest of the week."

And that was when Reid's brain imploded.

* * *

A/N: Review if you want, don't if you don't. No flames please.


	2. Monday, Part 2

A/N: Hello everyone. I would just like to mention that all of these chapters are completely unedited, since I'm trying to complete this story by the 31st as per the details of the challenge. These will all be cleaned up, filled out and reposted later when I have more time to work on them.

Many thanks to everyone who reviewed.

* * *

The next thing Reid knew, he was walking to the car with a happily chattering Jack holding his hand, and with someone's phone number - presumably Natalie's - in the other. All of a sudden Jack paused his rapid talking and looked up at Reid.

"Uncle Spencer? What's for dinner?"

Reid paused. This was something that he hadn't thought of before, and seeing as he had no kid-friendly food in the house (octopus, anyone?), that meant that a shopping trip was in order. It was already - he checked his watch - 4:49, so they would probably need something that could be cooked fast, or else Jack would start getting hungry, and cranky, which Reid did not want to have to deal with tonight. So, he thought, what can I make that will be ready fast? {lightbulb}

"How about mac and cheese?" Jack paused, and for a moment Reid was afraid he'd made a bad suggestion, until the young boy's face lit up.

"Shaped like dinos?"

"If we can find it at the store."

As he and a grinning Jack climbed into the car, Reid felt that his luck was starting to turn.

* * *

A couple hours later the doorbell to Reid's house rang. Jack looked up from his TV show as Reid went over to answer it. He opened the door to a haggard-looking Hotch, whose face lit up when Jack came running.

"Daddy!" the young boy cried, hugging his father's legs.

"Hey Buddy. Sorry I couldn't pick you up from camp. Did you have fun with Uncle Spencer?"

"Yup, he let me have mac and cheese shaped like dinosaurs!"

"Awesome." Hotch looked up at Reid. "Thank you so much for doing this. I hope it wasn't too much trouble."

"No, not at all, Jack's a great kid."

"Okay, buddy, let's go home. See you tomorrow, Reid."

"Um, actually sir, about that…" Reid gulped. "Uh, well, Natalie, the, uh, camp leader, mentioned that they needed someone to help out so I kinda volunteered to help since I'm done all my paperwork and don't really have anything else to do at work this week…if that's okay with you?"

Hotch paused for a moment.

"I don't see anything wrong with it. I'll clear it as vacation time. That's great that you volunteered to help. So, I guess I'll see you at the camp in the morning, then."

"Uh, yeah, I guess so. Have, um, a good night, sir. Bye Jack, see you tomorrow."

Reid closed the door behind him with a sigh. There went his last hope of a normal week at work. Well, a more normal week than usual.

* * *

Rossi held the door to the restaurant open for his sister and her best friend. After the two giggling women had passed him, he followed and once again wondered how he had gotten dragged into this.

A few weeks ago, his sister Andrea told him that her best friend Michelle was coming to DC to visit for a week, and since she couldn't get the time off work, she was hoping that Dave would be able to spend some time with her while Michelle was here and show her the sights. After some pleading, followed by threats (to which he replied that he could arrest her for threatening a federal agent, you know), and then some bribery, Andrea finally got Dave to agree to spend time with Michelle while she was in town.

He had, however, forgotten until they were in the car on the way to the restaurant some things about her. Like her love of all things girly and/or pink - she hadn't outgrown that one. Or her absolute inability to take "no" for an answer - while that might be a good thing for her as a lawyer, Dave found it very frustrating to deal with. Once again, he sighed. What had he gotten himself into?

When he walked out of the restaurant several hours later, he knew what he had gotten himself into all too well. He should have just stuck with paperwork this week...

* * *

A/N: Sorry about the short chapter. Just trying to get it all done on time...as mentioned these will all be reposted later.


	3. Tuesday

**A/N:** To all of you who read this story before, there's no excuse for not updating for over a year. I do need to thank the wonderful Seiankyou, though, for helping me get this story started in the first place, and helping me get going on it now, readers, please bear in mind that I'm a new writer and I'm still not totally sure of my characterizations. However, with that in mind please remember that this is a comedy and that there are some elements of the characters that I am exaggerating for the purposes of the story. But please, read and review, because I would love your feedback!

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

* * *

**-Tuesday Morning-**

Rossi woke up the next morning feeling something moving on his bed. Glancing at the clock, he saw that it was just after 5 AM. Groaning, he swatted in the direction of the movement.

"Mudgie, no. Down," he said, only to be greeted with an indignant response. He pushed himself up only to see Michelle glaring down at him.

"You thought I was the DOG?" she demanded. Then, with a dramatic "Ugh!" she left the room in a huff. Rossi groaned and laid back down. This was definitely an inauspicious start to the day.

Ten minutes later, Rossi was up and making breakfast for him and Michelle, who had grudgingly accepted his excuse that it had been a long time since anyone other than his dog had woken him up in the morning. However, as penance for his blunder, he was forced to make her breakfast. So it was that he was at the stove, cooking up Eggs Benedict, when Michelle announced that the event of the day was to be a movie marathon. He turned to stare at her semi-incredulously.

"Well, it's cold and rainy today, and I'm still jet-lagged. I see no reason not to," Michelle stated, eyes narrowed. "So, when the video store opens, you're taking me there, I'm picking out movies and buying a lot of popcorn, and then you're watching with me all day. Is that clear?"

Rossi sighed. He had promised his sister to spend time with Michelle, but this was probably going to be akin to torture. Still, David Rossi kept his promises. He just hoped he'd still have half a brain left after what was sure to be a chick flick marathon.

**ooo**

6 hours later and 2 chick flicks later, Rossi was enduring a torture that he'd never seen before on the job or in his personal life. He had avoided it through three wives and many girlfriends over the years, but now, somehow, the infuriating woman loudly eating popcorn next to him had somehow threatened and cajoled him into doing what he had previously though impossible: David Rossi was being forced to watch Gone With the Wind. After the second chick flick of the morning had ended he had already felt his patience running thin, but when Michelle had selected this movie as the next one to watch he had considered sneaking out through the bathroom window, even though the storm outside hadn't lessened a bit. However, the thought of leaving his sister's friend at his house without him around was somehow even more terrifying.

So, Rossi had decided, it was better to suffer through it. So he'd thought. He had been tuning out the movie for the past hour and a half, and when the screen faded to black he thought that the movie was mercifully over. Immediately more cheerful, he bounded from the couch and headed towards the kitchen.

"So, Michelle, what do you want to do for lunch? There's a nice place about five minutes from here that makes the best-" Rossi was interrupted by a girlish giggle from the woman sitting on his couch.

"Oh, did you think the movie was over?" Rossi's body clenched in dread. There was more? "Well, some of the best parts are still yet to come! Some of Scarlett's best character development is in the next half! I'm sure you'll love it!"

The profiler could almost feel what was left of his brain melting. Some unsubs he'd dealt with were less effective at torture than the woman currently waiting for him! And the movie was only halfway over? He wasn't entirely sure that he could survive another two hours of this tripe, but what choice did he have? If he refused, Michelle would make his life hell until Andrea arrived, at which point he would be a dead man. He eyed the door to the bathroom and wondered again how fast he could make it out the window, but Michelle would have none of it.

"David!" she shrieked. Rossi could swear that all the dogs in the neighbourhood were about to swarm the house, with the pitch she'd achieved. "I'm waiting!"

If there was one thing he'd learned over the years, it was to not keep a woman waiting when she made it that painfully clear. So, with a last reluctant look at the bathroom door and the potential freedom that lay beyond it, he headed back to the couch for several more hours of torture. At this point, he would have rather been doing paperwork. Hell, he would have done the entire team's backlog of paperwork, if only to get away from this!

**ooo**

Meanwhile, Reid found himself slowly being trapped in a corner. Desperate, he called out to the camp leader.

"Natalie," he shouted. "Are you sure we can't let them outside?" A shrill laugh was her response. "I'll take that as a no?"

"Of course we can't let them outside, Spencer, it's pouring rain! You wouldn't want them to catch a cold, would you?"

"Well – no – but – a little help would be appreciated!"

"Oh, I'm sure you'll be fine! They're just children, Spencer!"

These aren't children, Reid though as he finally felt the walls of the corner against his back. These are miniature psychopaths. The circle of evilly grinning faces surrounded him and despite his attempts to defend himself, he soon found himself mobbed by them and on the ground. As the two ringleaders pounced on him, he wondered not for the first time that day just how he always managed to get himself into these sorts of situations.

**ooo**

Back at the BAU, when Reid had failed to show up by 11 o'clock, Morgan went to see Hotch. When he expressed his concern, Hotch just gave Morgan a small, inscrutable smile before saying something that Morgan had never thought he'd hear.

"Reid's helping out with Jack's day camp for the rest of the week."

Morgan managed to hold in his laughter long enough to make it to Garcia's office, where he dissolved into peals of laughter. Suffice it to say, his piles of paperwork were put off yet again.

* * *

**A/N: **Reviews would be wonderful! *hint hint nudge nudge*


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